Every day I feel myself losing my grip on reality. I keep stalking your socials, and every time I see something new, I get hit with a wave of anxiety like never before. I was in Physics today; I was working on a worksheet with two other kids in our class. I looked at his wrist, and I saw a bracelet exactly like the ones we shared—his was gold, but they were pretty much 1 to 1. All I could do was think about the absence of mine, and with it, the absence of my excitement to talk to you every day, even just for a minute after classes. I'm trying to cope better than I have in previous breakups. I talked to a psych at CHOP about trying to get a single, and he said the best way to not be anxious is to give yourself other stimuli. He said different strong sensations bring you back to the moment and force you to be present. I tried that, and it was simply not enough to distract me from the pain I feel without you. But I am trying not to spiral into binge drinking or SH to cope, so I just decided whenever I am anxious, I'll run 10 miles. I have never run more than 4 miles consecutively in my life before two days ago. I didn't even think I would be capable without passing out or throwing up. When I think of you, I just keep going, no matter how much Lewisburg smells like straight manure on the rail trail, or how much my lungs and legs burn. It would probably be less damaging on my body to use drinking as a coping mechanism, but I think this is probably better emotionally in some way; at least my roommate doesn't need to hear me cry about my ex again while drunk. I don't know what I am going to do all summer besides feel the absence of you with every passing moment, I would do anything for another weekend at the shore with you. All I could think about when I was home was how much more fun I'd be having with you by my side. I was so excited for this summer to drive us around in the vette, and you'd look at me driving stick and be like "thats so silly" and I'd maybe try to teach you how to drive it around a parking lot. We would ig do a rehard launch of us again and we would've gone to the shore and went out to dinner and gotten dairy bar and hid in Jons car again, after I beat you at mini golf. But now all summer I'm not gonna have my passenger princess and I'm not sure what I'll do. I remember watching you drive out of my driveway that one night after we broke up for college; I truly do not know how I thought it would be easy. You embedded yourself into my life more than I could've ever known. I miss you more than I ever have before, I am terrified that this is truly it for us and I just cant fathom living in a world without us. I don't know how to move on, I don't want to. You're the only girl I have ever not just passionately this much but also compassionately. We have difference but sometimes it just felt like we fit together like two pieces of a puzzle and I don't think anyone will ever fit quite as well as you did. Every time I have to refer to you as my ex, my stomach drops. I just wish you'd ttm. I guess it's okay if you hate me or don't respond, but God, I'd give up so much to hear your voice again, and I'm sorry. We don't have to date again but I want to at least be with you this summer.